That is what you need in order to stop arguing and start listening in understanding each other. Simply put it means scrambling every thought you think about your partner so that you start seeing them differently, more compassionate, and with more understanding.
If you get defensive at all with your spouse it means you are operating from a part of the brain that will never find resolve until you learn to communicate in a different way from a different part of the brain.
However, the chances of you doing it through talk therapy alone is somewhere around zip and nada (and I'm a therapist so I can say that). You need a geeky neurocognitive freak obsessed with researching and implementing intimacy exercises to guide you. Luckily, you've just stumbled upon one. Enchante.